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|Wednesday, December 1st, 2010|
|Knocked down but not defeated
So I actually have been getting on the treadmill pretty much everyday and actually jogging on it, it's like a miracle. And everyday I'm thanking God that I'm motivated to exercise, eat better and all that good stuff. My eating habits are not 100% but they are also getting better. I got down to 231.8 which is the lowest I've been since Zoe's been born, but that was the DAY before Thanksgiving so here's to hoping when I get back on the scale next week it hasn't got higher again. So see the 220's will be amazing and really kick start me and keep pushing me! I know I can do this.
So, I"ve been applying out my ass for jobs everywhere! Our financial situation is ridiculous right now, especially with Christmas. Jeremy is selling vacation to pay for Christmas and has bought himself a present (a flat screen TV for downstairs) for Christmas. I don't want to ask for anything, the only thing I want is more boots LOL. Samantha's asking for the boots I pretty much want for Christmas, not that we can't have simliar boots, cause I really don't care, but that's all I'd want at this point. And maybe another winter coat, since the one I have is kind of small right now and not very practical. But I won't ask for it, it's just not my style I guess. PLUS after I get rid of this weight I get $1000 shopping spree so I don't really want to buy much right now (other than boots LOL).
Working out everyday has definitely helped my mood, even though my mood still sucks most of the time. I'm on Lexapro daily, I got 2 months free samples, it's helpful I guess, but it's just the magic pill I was hoping for I guess. OH, I've had my first monthly visitor since Zoe's been born...and that was just b/c I gave birth, so it's really my first once in EIGHTEEN months and it's been kicking y ass. Making me extremely tired, and irritable.
We decided we were goign to start praying and praising as a couple and Jeremy was in the "right state of mind" when we decided to last night so I prayed for a while and then I look over and he's sleeping, so I turn off all the lights and lay down, still praying in tongues and he acts all huffy when he noticed I'm sleeping and acted all huffy this morning. We made a deal about him getting something everyday and that would help his mood, but I did that for almost 2 weeks straight, everyday and he still has an attitude. He tells me it was to help him with his anger and it's doing that but I hate the attitude too. And I've started to get one with him agin. Here I am going out of my way taking time out of my day to pleasure my husband and he still acts aggitated, he still stomps his feet and rolls his eyes and mumbles under his breath when things don't go his way...doesn't make me want to do that anymore AT ALL! When I try to tell him this he just tells me that "wasn't the deal" even though that's the understanding I was under when I made the deal with him. Oh, and I'm also told since I haven't done it like 3 times in the last 3 weeks that I'm not upholding my end of the deal - SERIOUSLY! Ask any guy who's been married as long as we have, who has 2 babies, 5 kids all together and who has a shitty attitude if they are getting it NEAR that many times. And that doesn't include when he actually gets the good stuff...yeah, so I don't feel bad for him. He still doesn't help pick up toys, take out trash, do laundry, do dishes or even let me sleep in, when I asked him on Saturday he told me no. So yeah, dn't feel bad that I didn't do it last night. Even though I do have guilt, I try to act like I don't.
I relaly want to start a blog. I forreal blog. I can't figure out what to do it on. I'm so not equipped to do it on blended families, even though I've been in one for 7 years now, I still have ickiness toward that situation. I thought about "garage sale finds.com" which would show case what I found at garage sales and stuff like that, what I did with that stuff, and gift tips on haggling and getting up/selling stuff at garage sales. Could even include Craigslist finds too.
Baby calls. This is why I could never have anything that involves my time during the day.....
|Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010|
|A post on top of a post
I've been needing to write here, but I don't have a spare minute in my day anymore. I've tried to stay busy to keep my mind and my hands off food but it's not helping. So instead, like the smart person that I am, I have been purging. Whatever feels super fat to me, I get rid of it. It's not like I'm losing weight, even though on top of that I've been much better at exercising...ugh! I'm at a point that I hate myself....I CANNOT understand why I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know what NOT to eat and I just screw it up all the time, it makes no freakin' sense to me...
So, I'm not really sure when I wrote the above paragraph! But I was purging and then I got caught. I was always careful but I guess I left puke in the toilet and when confronted I told the truth. Instead of understanding and compassion I was told that I'd be asked, harassed and then when I got defensive was told that HE should be the one upset b/c I was being dishonest with him. Are you freakin' kidding me? We just had a friend of ours go into treatment for an eating disorder and he was so compassionate toward her, maybe he didn't get it but he was so gentle and kind about the whole thing. But this...was a while ago...and now we're at today. I haven't lost anything. I did like 3 pounds, then I gained it back, then I lost it again and at this point I'm pretty sure it's back. I'll say over and over and over again I don't understand!!!
I have so much rage in my bones these days, at myself, at the situations at home that I'm starting to feel out of control. I've gently tried to bring the subject up to him about goign back on the post partum pills and everytime I'm told it's somethign I should be able to handle. I've even talked to him about another Christian young mother as myself who's going through the same thing and he just feels sad for her. Even at one point asked if we should help her pay for it....but has never asked if I shoudl go back on it. I don't get it. I'm so alone today, so sad...so fat and disgusting. Everyday I feel more lonely. Crap, I won't be able to finish as here he comes and he has roaming eyes.
I need help and I don't know where to go or who to talk to. The one who claims to be my "best friend" since we're married and all doesn't even kind of know what I'm going through and when I try to explain ignores me for the most part and starts taking about himself.
|Monday, June 21st, 2010|
|Not getting better!
I can't believe myself, I'm so sick of myself. One day I'll really put my mind to it and do better (not great, but better). Then for 3, 4 days even up to a week I'll just pig out when no one is watching and sometimes even when they are. I had heard/read, not sure, that eating eggs in the morning helps b/c it's protein and you feel fuller and doesn't make you feel all bogged down. I did that one day last week and I felt pretty good that day. And to make matters worse, Zoe has been going through another refusing to nap streak. So the little exercise I've been getting keeps getting interupted.
Maybe I need to spend some time today listening to the Keith Moore series "overcoming physical obstacles". His wife was overweight and it caused all kinds of problems in her life and their marriage, which is really what going on with me. Ugh! I thought Matt Muldoon's wedding would motivate me, well it's 2 weeks away and I haven't lost a pound. I thought just summer would motivate me, hasn't. I thought the looming event of Labor Day float would motivate my ass, but it's now a little over 2 months away and I haven't lost a pound. Sooo frustrated with myself. So haven't been able to figure out why I can't pull my shit together.
I ate muffins and a granola bar this morning. Yeah, not sure why I had to have both. Then I even had waffles and a lt of them! Why? I have not a freakin' clue. And I saw a sign for Casey's pizza. 2 slices, plus a fountain soda for like $5 and it's taking everything in me to not go get it. I don't have Isaac today, CJ's at school, Samantha's gone and joshua will be gone in an hour or so, so....I could, I could totally go get it, no one would be the wiser.
I know no one's reading this but I really wish someone would tell me what's wrong with me. Alicia told me I have no self control, and it's true, but why not?
|Wednesday, June 9th, 2010|
So, after I've sort of binged all day, I now decide maybe I should work out. I can't go outside (which is where I prefer to work out) so I'll do a workout inside. It's dumb, why even bother when I ate as much as I did and will probably eat more when I'm done. Stupid!
|Reality vs. Truth
I've had a baby girl since the last time I posted. She's now about 3 months old and I've never felt more disgusting in my life with myself. Yeah, I should say how amazingly happy I am that I have a beautiful toddler boy and a beatiful baby girl, but the fact is, I see myself everyday and want punch a mirror. My face is nice, but right now, I only feel that way if I put on make up. And that's only b/c I'm trying to hide the gross I see. I wear sweatpants and t-shirts everyday b/c Zoe feeds a million times a day, she's been an insanely difficult baby. Even right now she hasn't napped all day and just laid down for 20 minutes, and now she's crying. To be honest she hasn't napped for 3 days, this happens, often with her. And Isaac, he's so jealous he makes everything twice as hard when she is feeding and the few moments I get to give him my attention are usually consumed with my husband needing something or one of the step kids interupting me. This is NOT how I envisioned my life years ago.
. Deep down I know that I'm a happy, fun loving person. But the reality is, I'm so grossed out by myself, by the amount of food I eat, that I last out at every person I know. I've been on Lexapro for PPD, but my insurance won't cover it, so I'm only on doctor's samples and I ran out. So, I was taking 10mg and felt I needed to take 20, but since I've ran out I've been taking 5mg this week. ugh! And w/o my doctor giving me more samples tomorrow I won't have any. OR I can try a new drug, but let's be honest, all of them have weight issues attached to them and my best friend said it best, "if you want to loss weight you can't be taking ANY medication". And well, I have to take birth control b/c Jeremy is adamant he doesn't want anymore kids (which is pretty sad to me) and I'm losing my mind w/o the Lexapro.
So the reality of my life and the truth of who I am are two completely different things. My reality right now is I hate being a step mom, I hate my body, I watch myself eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and everytime I pick up food I'm yelling at myself inside my head, I'm pissed at myself, I'm shoving it down my throat knowing that it's not going to solve a damn thing and I do it anyway. I know there's issues behind my eating, I KNOW it. I don't know all of them, it definitely starts with the fact that I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like I deserve to be skinny again, like I say to myself that I do and deep deep down I know it, but then I pick up the food and think "you'll always be fat, the goal is bigger than you can handle, just eat it" so I do. And sometimes I say nothign to myself in my head other than "eat it, you fat ass". It's true. I want to get it off my chest, I want to tell someone that I have days where I eat all day, and it's not a joke, it's not funny (which I'll make it a joke so it doesn't hurt as bad), but I do. I'll eat waffles, then a few PB and J sandwiches, than some cookies, then lunch, then more PB and J or cookies, then dinner, then I'll sneak to the store so I can hide a few candy bars around for when I feel like no one is looking. UGH! Why do I do this? What is wrong with me? What hurts so bad that I can't deal with it? I eat when I'm lonely, I eat when I feel alone, I eat when I hurt, I eat when I'm overwhelmed and stressed out, I eat when I feel taken advantage of, I eat when I feel ugly, I eat when I feel sad, I eat when I am bored, I eat when I don't want to deal with daily life, I eat when I cry, I eat when I ....I eat for no reason at all sometimes. I don't know why!!!!!!!!
I could trace things back in my life I'm sure. I had a pretty awesome childhood, we had things happen. A few deaths, an uncle arrested. My mom had some major issues, but she was still an amazing mom. I think the first moment of guilt I had in my life was being 19 and my mom found out I failed a drug test for a job and the next moment I knew my dad came flying down the stairs and screamed at me "Go look and see what you did do your mother!" I went upstairs and my mom was rocking in the middle of the room and she thought it was 1982 (it was 1999). At that moment, I felt like I was the cause of so much of my mom's pain. And often still feel like that. I apologized before she died, I know my mom forgave me, she even became one of my best friends but I was terrible to her as a kid. And all she did was love me! And I'll never be able to make that up to her. Now, when I need her the most in my life, when I have a toddler that won't listen and a 3 month old that won't stop crying I don't have a mom to help. I have to ask favors to get a babysitter, I sit home, alone most days (yes, other ppl are here, but that deep feeling of loneliness never goes away). I wish moms knew how lucky they have it to have a mom around, so many of them take advantage and never really get how lucky they are to have their mom. But when I think about my food issues and all of this stuff, none of it clicks as the issue, none of it seems to be really what's going on. So what is it? There's been so many deaths, SO many deaths, but ....
I don't feel pretty, I don't usually feel loved. I often feel like the maid, the whore, the secretary, the cook, the chaffuer, the hefer making milk (and so many other things) and very few occassions do I feel like Dawn....maybe that's my issue, but I just don't know. I just can't wrap my head around it, I can think of many things that make me cry but none that make me stop eating. I don't always feel like Jeremy's in this with me, he checks out so often, and I can't, I can't check out, someone has to be present and I guess it has to be me.
I want to get it off my chest so bad, I want to tell someone. I don't know who to tell, I'm so ashamed. Jeremy won't get it, he'll just tell me to quit eating. To diet, to count calories, blah blah. Um, even though he's thin now his issues haven't went away and to be completely honest they've only gotten worse. Maybe that's my fear! Maybe I fear that my issues will only get worse with weight loss, not better. I know that Jeremy will wanna have more sex and I don't even want to think about having sex, but I do it anyway, whenever he wants and to think it could be more just pisses me off before it even happens.
I know being thin won't make me happy. I know, I KNOW! But what will make me happy? I want to be Dawn. I love being a mother, and I often love being a wife, but why is Dawn lost in all of it? Jeremy doesn't even kind of know who I am. We met and got married to fast and shit started to happen in our lives so fast and I got fat so fast that he doesn't have a clue. He may think he knows, but he doesn't. Cause anytime the real me comes out he gets pissed. Anytime I don't bend to his opinion, he thinks I'm being a bitch. I'm allowed an opinion, and I've always been one to state it, but he doesn't know that about me, b/c he doesn't know me. Will being thin help him to get to know me? Probably not, it won't change him!
Okay, maybe that's my issue, maybe I know getting thin can HELP me with mine, not FIX them but they won't change the other people around me.... Current Mood: confused
|Thursday, May 28th, 2009|
|Update on my fatness
So I haven't written here in the last week and I should have. I weighed in last Tuesday for the first time in probably 3 weeks. It had been like 2 1/2 since I had started going to the gym, I was going pretty regularly. AND SURPRISE, I gained 2 1/2 pounds - nice eh? I mean I know I wasn't eating like a champ but I didn't htink I ate enough to gain weight. So I spend the entire day binging with the occassional purge. I definitely didn't purge everything but like when I had 5 waffles for breakfast I thought maybe I should get rid of some of it. But I kept going to the gym this week. It was not an completely emotional week but it was stressful enough. Then yesterday I weighed myself again, thinking, okay I at least stayed, I didn't gain FOR SURE, I might have lost like .2 pounds, but I definitely didn't gain - WRONG - I freakin' gained a pound. It's unreal. My body, whatever is causing me to be like this is pissing me off badly. I don't feel like myself. We went to Jeremy's friends house last Saturday and I felt so gross. We played volleyball and I was like the only one breathing heavy and sweating and all red in the face. I looked like crap, none of my pants really fit me. I pulled out a pair of capri's that I thought were my "fat ones" and they apparently aren't b/c they don't fit AT ALL. I don't feel comfortable in anything I own, I know I look like crap, I wont' look a myself in the mirror. At the gym people watch themselves in the mirror to make sure they are doing things right, I can't, I won't, I refuse, I don't want to see what I see in the mirror. Not even my face looks okay to me anymore. And I just don't understand why I can't control my food. Today we had hamburgers, I simply could have stopped after one...and well I didn't, I ate two. Why? I don't know, I have no idea. The whole time I'm eating it I'm thinking "You fatty, why did you have to eat two? People see this fat girl eating two hamburgers, they are asking themselves why you eat so much, they know why you are fat, they see how much you are eating." I feel like I walk into stores and people think "look at the fat girl" I know Jeremy thinks it about people, so why wouldn't people think it about me?? I feel so gross about my body, everything I wear I know I look horrible in. I want to feel better abotu how I look but I can't stop eating. I work out at the gym pretty much everyday , I try to sweat at the gym, but I just...I just...look disgusting! I want to go purge right now, but I won't, but I want to. That's where I say "You're not a bulemic" b/c I real one would go puke right now....Or I want to get drunk...but I won't. I'll just sit and wallow in self pity and weigh in next week and be grossed out AGAIN! What am I gonna do if I am pregnant? I'm over the weight I started out with with Isaac and I wanted to weigh WAY less, will I be happy I'm pregnant or just grossed about b/c I'm fatter?? I have no idea! I don't know what I even think anymore, all I know is I hate how i look and I mean HATE!
|Saturday, May 16th, 2009|
So my son woke up at 5:45 and I'm not sure why. But I've been up since. I finally woke up hubby at 7:30 b/c I needed to go the gym and we were supposed to garage sale this morning. Not to mention other stuff around the house. He was up apparently up until 2 working on his computer so...now I"m stuck....
I usually feel good when I get home from the gym but when I come home to bitching and complaining it's hard to feel good. And that's all that's been happening. I got little sleep too, ya know? And I wanted to work out longer at the gym but all I had running through my head was how pissed he was that I woke him up and that his computer is broke and I need to get back to help with the baby.
And ever since I got home, it's drama, and complaining and I'm stuck. If I ask to leave he gets mad, if I ask if we can go now he gets mad...it's so stupid.
So I was fine yesterday. A little aggravated, but nothing knew. I didn't make it to the gym, we had errands to run in the morning, but in the afternoon I worked outside all day and it was hot and humid, so I sweat A LOT. I dug up my garden, ho'ed it, pulled weeds, all that good stuff.
But here was something almost "triggering". We were at the store, and I ran into a girl I used to work with, who I hadn't seen in FOREVER! We talked, caught up, I got her number. As we are leaving my hubby comments on how she's gained A LOT of weight. In fact he said "She looks terrible." Uh..... I said something back to the effect of, "Yeah, I bet people say that about me when they see me too." And he back tracked and got defensive. Told me the things I should be grateful for in my life... "If losing weight is the only thing left then you should be happy." GR!
I know this has started to sound like a hubby bashing journal, but it's so not that. He's who I'm around the most, if I Was still living at home wiht my parents, they would probably get the most mentions in here. I honestly have a great husband who works hard for me. Since he's lost weight though, he's more selfish and DEFINITLY less chivarlous. Funny how that worked out....or maybe it's not since HE lost weight maybe it's really since I've GAINED weight..... I would bet a million dollars on that when I loss the weight he becomes a heck of a lot less selfish and a lot sweeter. We'll see.
I'm probably goign to sign up for a "Biggest Loser" contest at the gym today. It's on body composition lost (inches). I kind of wish it was percentage of weight loss, but oh wel.
|Thursday, May 14th, 2009|
|Got found out
So it took no time at all. Today my husband asked why there was a bakery bag and a ice cream container in the trash outside.... He claims he was going through it for something else, but somehow I think he always checks on me to see what I ate. He often asks and he has trust issues from a past relationship, so I'm pretty sure he checks up on me. Maybe I wrong, maybe I'm just paranoid b/c I am hiding something...who knows.
I told him the truth. I told him I had a bad day, I got two donuts and a pint of Ben and Jerry's and ate it, then threw it up. He says he doesn't want me doing it anymore and if I can't try to quit "we" need to get help for it. I wasn't willing to tell him I started doing this. I'm sure he'd want to read it, and that's not okay with me right now and may never be. He's said before if I've eaten too much like at a restauraunt or something to just "go throw it up". He says it's because it's not emotionally related to me throwing up, it's just me being too full. Somehow....encouraging it just doesn't seem okay. I've told him before that I used to binge and purge and he didn't seem to have an issue with it. I'm not sure why all the sudden he wants to have a change of heart, it all seems a little fake to me.
I didn't do it today and today wasn't that great to me. I did work out at the gym today, it felt great. Jeremy was in this foul ass mood all day, he barely talked to me, complained about EVERYTHING. It was so annoying, when I have a bad day I'm pretty much told to get over it, and BTW I've been told I'm not allowed to have a bad day the same day he does, so I've tried to hide my bad days. He said he got in the car on the way home from HIS SON'S choir concert and prayed about his bad mood and it got better. Yet an hour after a being home, I didn't notice, but I did notice him asking for head....interesting....
Anyway, that was my day. Yet again it sounds like I'm just complaining to complain. Maybe I am, maybe I Just need to "count my blessings" and get over it and all this other crap. Maybe it's all a choice and I'm choosing to be like this...that's what I'd tell most people. Maybe I'm just a brat...who knows. But right now I feel sad, embarassed, and fat...yet again.
|Wednesday, May 13th, 2009|
I wasn't going to use an existing journal for this, but it's been like 3 years since I've posted on here, I'm pretty sure no one reads it anymore and if they do, they are about to learn some things about me they probably don't want to know.
Update: I'm 29 now, I'm married, I have been for almost 6 years, I have a BEAUTIFUl 19 month old baby boy, we struggled getting pregnant so he's a true miracle. I have 3 step kids, I hate being a step mom. I live in a small town, I have few friends in that town, I'm a stay at home mom, so I'm really lonely, I never got a degree or a real job, luckily my husband is a genius and has a great job that allows me to be at home with my son. I'm a Christian, I attend church regularly. I often think about the stuff written on this journal when I was a stoned hoochie mama and it's not me anymore.
So here's the truth, here's why I need to start writing again. Somethings wrong with me, my head is clouded, my emotions are out of control but most importantly I'm a fat bullemic. If you think that profile pic is what I look like now, you're wrong.
I just finished two donuts and a pint of Ben and Jerry's and threw it up. I had a party pizza for lunch, and threw it up, along with a swiss roll. I had a "Healthy Choice" meal for dinner but I hate two bowls of chips with it, so I threw it up. I don't do this everyday. Some days, when people are watching I eat great. And I actually work out probably 5 days a week for at least 30 minutes and I usually sweat. I'm not losing weight, simply because when people are not watching, namely one person, I binge and binge and binge. I know that purging doesn't reverse what I just did to my body, I know throwing it up wont' get rid of the all the calories I just consumed. I know that going to the gym is stupid and pointless as long as I am like this. I know how to loss weight, I just don't.....
I'm hoping through the power of what I love best, writing and what I've avoided for the last 5 years when I was gaining weight, writing I can figure out what the hell my problem is and work on it.
I'd like to blame it on being to 10 funerals in the last 5 years, and not just any funerals, these are people so very close to my heart. I am now down to one parents and no grandparents. I've lost two uncles and numeras great aunts and great uncles, and along the way I've had multiple miscarriages and one tubal pregnancy. The most impactful death, being the death of my mother in Jan 2004. I need her, I need her badly and she's not here. But that I'll get into later. Along with my childhood b/c in all honesty it was pretty damn good.
I'd like to blame my weight and my food issues on being a step mom b/c in all honesty, I hate it. I dont' like anything about it. I hate that two of them call me mom, I want to scream every time they do, but they've been doing it for so long and it was pushed on me so long ago that I didn't stop it and how mean of me would it be to stop it now? I think about when my step daughter gets married, I don't want to be the "Mother of The Bride" I want it to say "step mom". And I think it's mean and I think about how terrible of a person I am and how "unChristian" of me to act like that, but it's how I feel and I don't think at this point I should apologize for my feelings. I do count dwon the days until the step kids start leaving, especially since two of them are older, I can't wait, I wish it was now, I wish I could give my husband an ultimatum b/c I hate it so bad I want out. But I won't b/c my hsuband I love dearly and I'll take the bad with him I guess.
I'd like to blame it on so many things, but if I knew what it was. I'd tell you.
Here's what may have caused my binge today:
A week ago was my birthday, I was SOOOO sick. I was actually happy inside that I was puking and pooping so much, I was sure I'd have a great "weight" week, even though I didn't weigh in. However, the day sucked, then my husband left me at 5 with the baby to go to church b/c he helps at church, I felt like he should have stayed and helped me, I'm his wife...I needed him and I got stuck with teh baby and a DIRTY house, NO ONE helped clean up on MY birthday when I was really sick. That's the first of it. Then Thursday I'm kind of better and my grandma is unexpectedly in the hospital and she's declining fast. I spent 11 hours at the hosptial with my son, who is a monkey, he never sits still. Come home, house is dirty, nothing's done, not even the clean clothes are folded. Friday I spend yet another 3 hours at the hospital, on my way home to do errands for Mother's Day she dies. My last grandparent, my mom's mom is dead. And I'm devestated, but I have to run errands, no rest for the weary. Saturday I'm stuck at home with youngest step son and my baby. I have to clean house all day b/c even though it was my birthday and I was sick and I've spent the last two days in the hosptial with my grandma and the next day is Mother's Day, I ahve to clean. Are you getting the drift? Mother's Day was no better, no help, even though they think they helped. Monday was the wake, Tuesday was the funeral. Tuesday we come home I want a nap, I get 40 minutes, my husband gets 2 hours...and I have to clean b/c no one has done it the last week with everything I had going on. I'm biter I'm pissed off and my hsuband has a bad day and I'm exptected to "fix" it.
It didn't get any better, the step kids didn't do their chores, church didn't have room in the nursery for Isaac, so I came home, and I just cried in the car and I ate....
I know, stop complaining, you have a good life, get over it, grow up.... I know, I KNOW! What's my problem right?
I hope I'll find out....and I hope I get the chance to do this when I need to and maybe I won't eat instead....yeah right, I hear frozen pineapples calling me....
|Wednesday, March 15th, 2006|
|What a long time - What a change
I don't know what my last posting was, however, right now I'm sad again. I didn't know this is how my life was going to turn out and I'm pretty sure this isn't how I thought it was going to be.
|Thursday, April 14th, 2005|
|Isn't it Ironic? Don't ya think....
I don't really know why I'm even writing in here. Kim, a friend of mine contacted me through here and I figured what the hell, may as well put something. I don't think anyone reads it anymore and if they do they probably know me in real life and would use any or all of anything against me. I probably shouldn't have told so many people about this journal. It is a journal after all and I'm allowed to say what I want. It's so sad to be held back in free space. I'm glad it's finally spring, the winter was depressing me. And I'm glad to be working again. I was getting a bad case of cabin fever. I'm back to the same old Sonic routine, but I like it and at least I'm out of the house. I've had no luck in having my own child, well WE'VE had no luck, I'm not the only one participating here. I'm still young, I guess I have time. However, I'll be 25 in less than a month and the whole idea of 25 kinda freaks me out. What a weird place I'm at right now. It's kinda weird how life never really works the way we thought, not that that's a bad thing, just a weird thing.
My best friends, Alicia and Nathan, got married a year ago. That's weird too. They now have two kids. I wish I could go more indepth of that relationship, but I'd hate to air news about stuff, I have no right to say. Plus, my opinion on that situation is a little strong and could easily get me or my mouth into some crap I can't walk out of. I want them to be a happy couple so bad, those two happy are the funnest people I know, them two like they are now, not so fun.
Well, I don't really have much else to say. I still really miss my mom, I think about her a lot more than I let people know. I cry about her a lot more than I let people see. I can't wait to see her again. Current Mood: lethargic
|Wednesday, January 28th, 2004|
|It's been a long time....
Well, it's been a long time since I've written in here, I'm not sure I had anything to put.
well, on November 22, 2003 I lost a baby to a tubular pregnancy. This Thanksgiving we found out my step-children have been being brutally abused. On January 12, 2004 I lost my dad's mom to cancer.....
AND the clinger, the clincher, the worst of the worst.... On January 21, 2004 I lost my own mother. Unexpectedly in the middle of the night, to what seems to be a heart attack. God came down as she cuddled with my dad, kissed her on the cheek and said "time to go home." She quit breathing and that was that. Before I could even get to the hospital she was gone.
It's been the saddest week of my life. I dont' know what to do without my mom. Luckily I have an amazing husband, but a husband doesn't replace a mom.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I wish it on no one. My mom was my best friend.....and I miss her.
|Monday, August 25th, 2003|
|Robin William's Peace Plan
The Robin Williams' Peace Plan
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' Wewill never "interfere" again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90
days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. Now, ain't that a winner of a plan. "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
|Wednesday, August 20th, 2003|
|I do this all the time, oh well!
1. What time is it? 10:07AM
2. Name: Dawn Wa****
3. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Dawn Catherine Wu****
4. Nicknames: DawnMommy, babylove, Diggity, Dawny (by a SELECT few)
5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 23
6. Birthday: May 6, 1980
7. Pets: none
8. Hair color: strawberry-blonde
9. Piercing: 1 in each ear, tongue and belly button
10. Any tattoos: no
11. How much do you love your job: I love being a stay at home mom, but the hours can be tiring
12. Hometown: ******ton
13. BirthPlace: St. Louis
14. Favorite Food : Homemade Pizza
15. Been to Africa? No
16. Been Toilet Papering? No, but our house was hit when my brother was a Senior
17. Ever Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes
18. Been in a car accident? Yes - 15th and 16th birthday (any other times my car has been hit I haven't been in the car) And a few months before Jeremy and I married his car got rearended
19. Croutons or bacon bits? both
20. Favorite day of the week: They are blur together now
21. Favorite word or phrase: Fabulous!
22. Favorite restaurant: Casa Guiardo I suppose
23. Favorite flower: Roses, or wild flowers
24. Favorite sport to watch: None, watching sports isn't that fun
25. Favorite drink: (unfortunately) Pepsi
26. Favorite ice cream: Ben and Jerry's Phish Phood
27. Disney or Warner Bros: I dunno, whoever did Shrek and Monsters Inc :)
28. Favorite fast food restaurant: Arby's
29. What color is your bedroom carpet: tannish
30. How many times did you fail your driver's test? 0
31. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card at: Express or Target
32. Most annoying thing people ask me: Is your hair naturally (curly or strawberryblonde)? Is she your daughter?
33. Bedtime: anytime I get tired, I'm sure much earlier now that school starts tomorrow
34. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest: None :)
35. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond: my husband
36. Favorite TV show: Friends (Jeremy hates it), King of the Hill, Strangers With Candy (no longer on) or This Is Your day
37. Last person you went out to dinner with: Jeremy
38. Chevy or Ford: Chevy
39. Time you finished this e-mail: 10:17A
|Thursday, August 14th, 2003|
This is a statement that was read over the PA system at the football game at Roane County High School, Kingston, Tennessee, by school Principal, Jody McLoud. I thought it was worth sharing with the world and hope you will forward it to all your friends. It shows clearly just how far this country has gone in the wrong direction.
"It has always been the custom at Roane County High School football games, to say a prayer and play the National Anthem, to honor God and Country."
Due to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I am told that saying a Prayer is a violation of Federal Case Law. As I understand the law at this time, I can use this public facility to approve of sexual perversion and call it "an alternate lifestyle," and if someone is offended, that's OK.
I can use it to condone sexual promiscuity, by dispensing condoms and calling it, "safe sex." If someone is offended, that's OK.
I can even use this public facility to present the merits of killing an unborn baby as a "viable means of birth control." If someone is offended, no problem.
I can designate a school day as "Earth Day" and involve students in activities to worship religiously and praise the goddess "Mother Earth" and call it "ecology."
I can use literature, videos and presentations in the classroom that depict people with strong, traditional Christian convictions as "simple minded" and "ignorant" and call it "enlightenment."
However, if anyone uses this facility to honor God and to ask Him to bless this event with safety and good sportsmanship, then Federal Case Law is violated.
This appears to be inconsistent at best, and at worst, diabolical. Apparently, we are to be tolerant of everything and anyone, except God and His Commandments.
Nevertheless, as a school principal, I frequently ask staff and students to abide by rules with which they do not necessarily agree. For me to do otherwise would be inconsistent at best, and at worst, hypocritical. I suffer from that affliction enough unintentionally. I certainly do not need to add an intentional transgression.
For this reason, I shall "Render unto Caesar that which is
Caesar's," and refrain from praying at this time.
"However, if you feel inspired to honor, praise and thank God and ask Him, in the name of Jesus, to bless this event, please feel free to do so. As far as I know, that's not against the law----yet."
One by one, the people in the stands bowed their heads, held hands with one another and began to pray.
They prayed in the stands. They prayed in the team huddles. They prayed at the concession stand and they prayed in the Announcer's Box!
The only place they didn't pray was in the Supreme Court of the United States of America - the Seat of "Justice" in the "one nation, under God."
Somehow, Kingston, Tennessee remembered what so many have forgotten. We are given the Freedom OF Religion, not the Freedom FROM
Yes, I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing, but with Him, I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.
|Friday, August 8th, 2003|
|Strawberry Short Cake
Like I'd be anything else!
No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!
If you were making a dessert and you had your choice of those below (or some great bakery was baking the dessert of your choice), which would you choose?
Vanilla with Chocolate. Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully, what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!
Angel food ... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times
Brownies... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla with Chocolate Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake ... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate on Chocolate ... Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
|Friday, June 20th, 2003|
|Personality||Paranoid And With Good Reason|
|Sexual||Whatever, Whenever, Whoever|
|Likely To Win||A Free Coke|
|Me - In A Word||Unique|
|Brought to you by MemeJack|
Well, as some of you know and some of you don't...I'll be married in exactly two weeks (and like 15 hours). My fiance is at his bachlor party, mine was last weekend, and I got so trashed I puked, but man I had an awesome time.
I'm a little stressed these days. We have a million things to do and we're moving next weekend (and believing for a miracle on the closing costs), but things are slowly coming together.
I'll write more as the day gets closer.
I had my first week as "step" mom, it was fun, not too many problems. I'm trying to rid Joshua of whining and Samantha of being bossy.
Anyway, I'm gonna work on more wedding stuff.
|Tuesday, June 10th, 2003|
|Things that make ya wanna scream.....
Well, less than four weeks until the wedding, time is moving quickly. And well, nothing is done. I just remembered this morning that we actually have to get a marriage liscense, another $50 I don't have, oh well.
The kids are gone until Friday, which is good considering we are moving the WEEKEND before the wedding. Yeah, don't EVER do both those things at once. Anyway I'm majorly stressed, so much so that I've given myself a migraine..two days now and a bad ass sore throat...good deal
MOre later, I'm taking a nap.